a] how boring I am ,
b] how very boring I am ,
c] how impossibly boring I am....
When I wasn't talking about my kids and the state of modern society and the church ; I was waiting for the opportunity to change the subject into talking about my kids and the state of modern society and the church...I simply cannot change the record.
I proved almost irrefutably that I have no social grace whatsoever, I am arrogantly opinionated to the point that transcends rudeness and I trounce everyone in my wake.
So my friend persisted in taking me to task - he's a highly intelligent, sensitive and deeply caring individual who through his work changes the lives of thousands for the better .
His conclusions ? That I never express my feelings unless they've gone through millions of intervening thought processes - that I don't emotionalise anything - I deliberately intellectualise even the most simple of phenomena , events or interactions - and it's highly self-destructive because I'm suppressing too much before I intellectualise it into emotive expressions of thoughts and hyper-opinionising - Even when I seem to be thoughtlessly speaking from the heart, the speech has been prepared many of dozens of times in my head ; and it's going to burn me out.
It's narcissistic vanity and a terrible dearth of self-esteem. An arrogant loudmouth hiding behind the noise, alienating and antagonising when behind it all I'm anything but that which I pretend to be...
I also received the kindest possible 'kick up the arse' to get my act together before it's too late - that someone with my talents ,capabilities and intellect shouldn't be shelf-stacking. I'm getting too old and too scared to do anything about it for myself ; plus I've been kicked in the teeth so many times it's so much easier to shrink away and "bury it all in a field". A priest friend has already sharply , but inspiringly , told me how much longer I am going to spend in Purgatory for it . Here's hoping the prayers work before it's too late....