Saturday, 1 March 2008

"To whom shall I tell my grief?"

I had an away-day yesterday...a friend from Ireland was over so we met up in London ; and this confirmed to me :
a] how boring I am ,

b] how very boring I am ,

c] how impossibly boring I am....

When I wasn't talking about my kids and the state of modern society and the church ; I was waiting for the opportunity to change the subject into talking about my kids and the state of modern society and the church...I simply cannot change the record.

I proved almost irrefutably that I have no social grace whatsoever, I am arrogantly opinionated to the point that transcends rudeness and I trounce everyone in my wake.
So my friend persisted in taking me to task - he's a highly intelligent, sensitive and deeply caring individual who through his work changes the lives of thousands for the better .

His conclusions ? That I never express my feelings unless they've gone through millions of intervening thought processes - that I don't emotionalise anything - I deliberately intellectualise even the most simple of phenomena , events or interactions - and it's highly self-destructive because I'm suppressing too much before I intellectualise it into emotive expressions of thoughts and hyper-opinionising - Even when I seem to be thoughtlessly speaking from the heart, the speech has been prepared many of dozens of times in my head ; and it's going to burn me out.
It's narcissistic vanity and a terrible dearth of self-esteem. An arrogant loudmouth hiding behind the noise, alienating and antagonising when behind it all I'm anything but that which I pretend to be...

Hard lessons.

I also received the kindest possible 'kick up the arse' to get my act together before it's too late - that someone with my talents ,capabilities and intellect shouldn't be shelf-stacking. I'm getting too old and too scared to do anything about it for myself ; plus I've been kicked in the teeth so many times it's so much easier to shrink away and "bury it all in a field". A priest friend has already sharply , but inspiringly , told me how much longer I am going to spend in Purgatory for it . Here's hoping the prayers work before it's too late....


Anonymous said...

Who are these aesthetic types striking attitudes?

Rita said...

Some of the most wonderful, gifted, wise and humble men seem incapable of impressing employers to gain "esteemed" jobs that help pay the mortgage. I know, I married one.

Don't worry about your occupation, and don't worry about yourself! I have a "respectable" job but I'm sure I do more of God's work outside of my job than as part of it. The whole concept of good employment is far too Protestant for my liking anyway.

I for one think you are great and not at all boring, you are in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

Some great posts Paul...I love them!