Sunday, 4 November 2007

The day it rained forever...

A dismal Tuesday one November an eternity ago ; with "rains that might put out the sun, and rid the sky of stars"{GKC}...

Drenched , trudging through London: shoes squelching, hair dripping; disconsolate and oblivious to the world around me ; I was lost in more ways than one.
My Partner was suffering from severe post-natal depression ; she had recently miscarried.
I had lost my promotion and was falsely-accused of theft. Eviction loomed, an ex-landlord had stolen most of my belongings, I'd been trainfare-dodging to reach university ; and a vindictive anti-catholic lecturer was ensuring I would never attain my degree....and friends ? Well ?
In my despondency, God and I were on far from friendly terms.
The Church was at least dry - the confessional light beckoned.
Patiently enduring my tirade the priest inquired:
"So you think God's ashamed of you? Or is it you're afraid others think you're a failure ?
Listen : A father and son were taking their donkey to market. Along the way a merchant mocks them for not riding it - the father mounts - but some students accuse the father of mistreating his son - the old thriving from the labours of the young - they swap places. Some old men reprimand the 'selfish' son for forcing his father to walk - so both ride the donkey, until another accuses them of animal cruelty. Finally they carry the donkey ! At market the crowd laugh at the foolish pair. The donkey breaks free , falls into the river and drowns....

"Son, you're frightened of your own shadow - God's telling you :"Be not afraid !" why won't you trust Him ? Your child is in heaven watching over you . Go home! Love your wife and children and leave the rest to God; and to hell with anyone else's opinion ! For those who refuse to fear the Lord end up fearing everything and everyone. Don't fall into this trap. Trust in God and Holy Mother Church."

Diana Dors said: "The most terrible thing in the world is for someone to feel unloved";
St Francis de Sales advised: "It is never enough to love someone - that someone has to know they are loved".

When love seems no more than an illusion , if we fail to believe in the truth or worth of our lives ? We die inside.
For the lonely and disenfranchised there is a desperate yearning for recognition and vindication - a clinging to any available source ; whether fleeting , self-harming or irrevocably compromising; any price is worth paying to feel 'somebody' ; to briefly alleviate the pain.
'Compensating' for spiritual loneliness can lead the best of us commit the most terrible acts; and excuse similarly reprehensible actions in others - tyrannical : simply to be acknowledged or 'respected' ; alienating everyone through fear ; or conversely masochistically submissive ; never daring to jeopardise any relationship by potentially offending; thus depriving oneself of any sincerity, authenticity or self-respect...and like all habit-forming drugs ?
I am certain this anxiety is the major cause of not only our personal sins and failings, but also the English Church's negligence in its duties and responsibilities ; and thus the emptying of our pews.
Why else should we be failing so miserably ? Unless we're contaminated with a spiritual pride which refuses to believe in the Love of God, and Truth - the Person of Christ - subsisting within His Mystical Body the Church.
Is it possible we have forgotten to let our neighbour know they are loved ? And in the process rarely hear it ourselves, and when we do our pride prevents us from believing it ?
Anxiety, together with an abject fear of antagonism ; and the saddeningly desperate yearning for recognition indicates how lonely, scared and untrusting of God [and our Catholicism] we have become.
Surely above all things the Cross is the absolute symbol of Hope in hopelessness ?
It doesn't have to be this way.


gemoftheocean said...

Truer words never spoken!

gemoftheocean said...

BTW, meant to mention, it's one of the most interesting posts I've read in the last month. When we're hurting, (especially adults) and those who like to preceive themselves as "the strong, silent type" don't like to admit we're having a hard time...because to do so shows "weakness" and we end up hurting ourselves more in the long run.

WhiteStoneNameSeeker said...

This is a truth rarely mentioned when 'love' is talked about.
Love is such a practicle thing to do. It's like the piano though-if you don't practice you're crap at it.

I'd also like to say God bless you and your wife for the baby you lost so lon ago.